Thor

AKA Tor, T-hor

Story Kim escapes from Summer Bay and meets Natalie Portman in a cardboard 4 by 4 block town in the desert and uses his large hammer to woo her. This town seems only to have shops...

Clientele The usual fanboys. You know the ones: fedora, big long black coat and some form of facial hair fobbed off as a goatee. This season they get to jerk off in the cinemas 4 times with X-Men, Captain America and Green Lantern also blowing their loads in 3D

Main Players Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins

Worth Seeing? Cheeseball fun. Awesome special effects, albeit slightly non-exsistent 3D. But even if you have no idea what the heck is happening, you'll enjoy it

Fast & Furious 5

AKA Fast 5, Faster 5, Faster and Furiousor, Vin Diesel's new film, Fast & Furious 5: Rio Heist.

Story After a jail bus breakout, the usual suspects hideout down in Rio, and plan to rob some punk of $100 million. Not your typical film in the this franchise.

Clientele As soon as that bus from [insert poor welfare suburb] opens it defaced doors, you know the multiplex'll be a full house tonight. Don't worry about feeding Shantelle, Shiniqua or Brayden this week, Fast 5 is on and that takes priority over the illegitimate children any dole week.

Main Players Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, Jordana Brewster.

Worth Seeing? You bet your sweet bippy. Probably the best trash film of the year. Just pick a time when all the plebs aren't in the cinema with you, like a sale at Iceland or Wal-Mart.

Arthur

AKA Not one person has screwed up asking for this film! A MDMG 1st...

Story Billionaire Arthur is having Maker's Mark for breakfast, falls in love with a fit woman, and has to choose between her or the booze and money. Toughie.

Clientele Nice people wanting a nice comedy. A few oldies that blab on before and after about the original. "Have you seen it?" they ask. "Of course you wrinkly old prune, now stop dribbling on my seats."

Main Players Russell Brand, Helen Mirren, Greta Gerwig, Jennifer Garner, Nick Nolte


Worth Seeing? Loads of great laughs and alcoholic toilet humour. R-Brand normally gives me the shits, but his annoyances only added to this character.

The Adjustment Bureau

"They Stole His Future, 

Now He's Taking It Back"

Yo, Adjustment Bureau, while your dishing out new futures, 

I'd happily have one without this tripe.

AKA Just waiting on some good ones...


Story Poor old cry me a river Matt Damon is followed by men in hats who go through doors and adjust peoples lives accordingly. Its all part of the plan. MAKE IT STOP.


Clientele Typical Matt Damon crew. 50-plusers who laugh at the lame jokes and talk through the film. Matt Damon has probably never farted in their ideal world.


Main Players Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, a highly annoying Roger Sterling.


Worth Seeing? I wanted a refund, but I got in for free anyway. If you like sleeping then it's a good chance to catch some winks. I cannot stress how try hard and 30-years too late this film is. I was going to walk out, but I couldn't find my shoes in the dark. True story.

127 Hours

AKA 127 Minutes, 127 Days, 100 Hours, 127 Hours Left, The Arm Under The Boulder Film.

Story True account of a man whose arm gets pinned under a boulder for the titular number of hours.

Clientele Hard to categorise the main viewers. Lots of groups of guys thinking they are tough for getting through it. Also a few couples checking it out; now the girl has an excuse to be in her guys lap for the majority of the film. Not too many young teens trying to sneak in as the title includes a number higher than they even know of, or care to think about. Plus it is based on a real thing that happened, so it must be booooooooring.

Main Players James Franco.

Worth Seeing? Gosh it is an enthralling, short but sweet 90 minute flick. Highly recommended, severed nerves aside.